My name is Dan. I am one of the senior psychologists of Mind You.
I have been doing therapy for close to a decade now. I’ve spoken with a lot of different people with different problems; some of them pathological (like anxiety or depression), and other things that make life difficult and messy (like big decisions, relationships, purpose).
I tend towards an existential approach in my therapy; helping my clients understand themselves better and make more meaningful choices in life, amongst other things. Apart from this, I have also worked with a lot of clients who engaged in non-suicidal self-injury.
Feel free to ask me questions, and I hope to be able to answer all of them.
Disclaimer: This information is not a professional service and should not be used in place of therapy or other mental health services. This content is only for educational purposes, and using it does not create a therapeutic relationship. Ask Me Anything: I am Dan, one of the senior psychologists of Mind You
That’s a very good question, and honestly a very common problem that most people have. When someone that we care about is going through something particularly difficult, we very often jump into problem solving mode: what can i do? what can i say? what needs to happen to make everything okay? This is a very normal response that most people have. Unfortunately, it’s not always the best one.
A lot of times, people in this position feel that they are alone, unheard, unwanted, unloved, and whatever other isolating adjective you might think of. So it’s really less about what to say, and more about how to make them feel they are not alone. Talking and saying things is the best way to be able to communicate, sure; but sometimes, your presence, just being there with them, can be sufficient. I had a friend who told me she wanted to end it all that night, so I went to her and just sat with her for two hours while she cried. I didn’t say anything. She didn’t say anything. After two hours, she wiped away her tears, gave me a hug, thanked me, and went back to her dorm. She’s doing much better today than she was back then.
Like I said, it’s not always about words, but words do help. If you feel the need to say something, you can work more on being an active listener and help facilitate venting. This means that what you say is along the lines of wanting to know more about their concern and guiding them to let it out and continue talking to you. Your role is not to fix them but to see them, hear them, and make them feel that they are not alone. You need to understand that nothing you say can probably “fix” the situation, at least not immediately; but your being there, and your willingness to hear them out, is actually what’s more likely to help them.
So remember, it’s not about fixing them, at this point, not yet anyway; it’s about making them feel that you’re there for them. Once they’ve calmed down, gently suggest that maybe talking to a professional might be a good idea.
My dear youngest brother revealed to me that he’s queer. It was not in his plan at all. Last night, I just saw him wiping his tears, eyes swollen, and when I approached, he cried heavily. That’s when he told me his relationship with SO had ended. This was a shock to me because no one in our family knows. He didn’t seem to be someone who’s interested in such. All we know is that he’s an excellent student in school. But what’s more shocking was when he showed me a picture of him with his SO. I didn’t know how to respond and I’m sure how I behaved was not the best response to him. Now, I’m in a difficult situation because only I knows about his secret and he has no plans of sharing it with the rest of the family. I respect that, it’s just heavy on me. I love my brother so much and it hurts me so much that he has been hurting. I want to cry so hard. I didn’t know that we have hurt him and we made it difficult for him to come out.
Thank you so much I get emotional every time I remember that night. If it’s not too much, may I ask some tips on how to deal with this moving forward? There’s not much help books/articles online for family members to whom the queers have confided.
Hmmm…to whichever the situation or circumstance you are in now, please try your best to look after your brother and his welfare… you might still be having mixed emotions since you found out and if you feel it can be too much for you, you can encourage your youngest brother to see any of us here at mind you …we are just all here for you guys…we can also ask @Dan
It’s good that you’re respecting your brother’s decision to keep it private. It should be up to him who knows and doesn’t know. As was mentioned already, it seems that your brother trusts you somewhat to be able to confide in you, and this is a good thing.
However, to be honest with you, it is unclear to me how this revelation has affected you. You’ve said that your response “was not the best,” and how emotional the whole situation has been. This does not give a clear picture of how you’ve accepted the news. And I feel that this probably accurately reflects some confusing feelings you have over the whole thing. As such, I feel like the best course of action for you is to first better understand your feelings about the situation.Once you have a better grasp of how you feel, then you can start to decide what to do next.
If I’m wrong though and you’re very clear with how you feel about the situation, then I’d suggest just asking your brother if anything actually needs to be done. You might feel like you need to do something after him coming out to you, but you don’t really need to do anything other than be there for him. The most that you can do is really just ask him how he wants to be supported by you.
How long should depression last? I was not clinically diagnosed with depression. I did not seek any professional help too because i feel like my feelings are not valid and someone else is going so much worse than me. But lately, i always have this strong emotion of dying and do not see the purpose to continously living. I dont want to intentionally die because it is against the lord but i have a hard time pulling myself together all the time. I dont think that i have the rights to live. Sometimes, when i thought about looking at the silver lining an idea comes in to mind that i am just a tinee tiny particle in the universe and the world will continue without me in it. I think im still sane but i have those thoughts all the time. Thanks
There’s a lot to untangle here. First and foremost, it’s good that you’re finding ways to be able to talk about what’s bothering you. It’s important for us to be able to talk about these things because keeping it inside tends to make these types of things worse.
So let’s talk about your feelings. You’re saying that your feelings are not valid because someone else is going through something worse than you. Just because someone else is going through something worse, does not remove the fact that you feel that way. It is important to understand that your feelings are a reflection of what’s going on in your life. It’s like saying I should not complain about not eating for 3 days when I know someone else hasn’t eaten for 4; it doesn’t make sense because you’re both still just hungry, and no amount of comparison will change that. Just because someone else might have it worse than you does not diminish or invalidate your feelings or experience.
Second, you need to understand that thinking about suicide can be relatively normal. Like I mentioned earlier, your feelings are a reflection of what’s going on in your life. So if you’re thinking about suicide, it’s likely that there’s something in your life that you don’t want to live with. If you figure out what that is and affect it, then you’re less likely to continue having these thoughts.
It’s important to be able to reach out to others and express your thoughts and emotions. The more we keep things in, like when we think that our feelings are not valid, the worse it will be for us. We are social animals by nature. We need to feel connected to others. I suggest trying to reach out to friends or family members, people you might feel close to, and talk to them about some of your fears; see if they can support you. Failing that, you can always try to untangle a lot of your feelings in therapy.
I get emotional every time I remember that night. If it’s not too much, may I ask some tips on how to deal with this moving forward? There’s not much help books/articles online for family members to whom the queers have confided.
…we are just all here for you guys…we can also ask 
